I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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