apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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