ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
