She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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