so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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