I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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