he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
