Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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