Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
