Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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