Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
