I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
My bed smells like the plague
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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