you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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