Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
