I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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