i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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