Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
