Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
