you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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