You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
