Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize