So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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