No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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