you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
