Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
