we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize