3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
