I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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