dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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