Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
