dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize