well he's currently spooning the coffee table
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
