Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
