I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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