Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
