Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
