Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
