I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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