just come out here and I will go home with you...
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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