You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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