Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
