i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
