I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Just invented taco cereal.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
