I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
