her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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