Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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