she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
