he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
