dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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