I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
