My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
