Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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