i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
