Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
