I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize