normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Houston, we have a squirter
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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