Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
