i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
