it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Houston, we have a squirter
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
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