Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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