I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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