I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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