forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
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