I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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