i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
