so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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