so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
