3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
