the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
