even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
